Honesty Becomes Her

i’m still here- just healing after back surgery last monday.  i’ll write more soon i promise. i was on a roll!

be back soon!

school starts in just a week.  i will be sending two of my little guys off to school for the day, then a week later, the youngest man child will join them for preschool.  i like the rhythm.  i like the routine, the structure, the ‘known’.  i am pretty involved with the kids classes, and chaperone field trips and help out in the classroom.  i l have liked their teachers, and have been blessed with who we’ve been paired with so far.  of course every year, there is that bit of uncertainty.  wondering who will be the teacher this year. how she/he will compare to past teachers and how the kids will gel with them.  but so far, we’ve been blessed.  i have every reason to believe that this year will be good too.  i can scarcely believe that samuel is entering 4th grade.  i remember my fourth grade year, my teacher, how i limped through that year.  i can’t believe he’s old enough to have big memories of what he’s living out these days.  that is both a blessing and a curse.  he can remember the things i do that build him up but he can also remember my failures, and how i let him down sometimes.

it will be fun to have ivy at home alone for a few hours each day.  i look forward to it.  spending time with her, letting her grow her play outside of the boys suggestions, seeing how she develops and changes through the year.  she’ll start dance class this year too and i can’t wait for her to have something of her own to do. she’s been begging to do it, and i’m excited to let her get to try.

so our house is cluttered with pencils and notebooks, paper and erasers, and we’re gearing up for the first day back. i’m just as excited as they are.  praying for a solid year filled with good experiences.  one week left of freedom and then school here we come!

i tweet.  i’m a twitterer.  i.love.twitter.
i didn’t fully understand the power of twitter until my friend explained the web of connections to me a couple of weeks ago.
now i’m tweeting away, and enjoying seeing who is following along.
i think it’s awesome to connect to everyone from my friend down the street, to major publishing houses, to oprah.  all tweeting, all sending messages out into the world, it’s so fun!

the biggest issue i have is trying to think of witty things to say!  i feel so common, so ‘regular joe’, so normal.  i feel like my tweets are pretty bland, and i’m looking for ways to jazz them up.  for now though, i’ll just keep doing it. finding fun new people to follow and relishing in the neat people who are following me!  did i say i’m loving this?!

tucker is a funny kid.  he’s quirky and silly and i really enjoy him a lot.  he has issues with what he wears.  he dresses in strange get-ups everyday. i never know what he’ll choose to wear and what he’ll put together.  today he has changed at least three times.  right now he’s wearing a set of pj’s inside out so that they’re all white- with white socks- so that he can be a white ninja.  earlier he was wearing black clothes- including a shirt inside out to make it all black, and socks on his hands and feet – to be a black ninja.
he often wears his cowboy boots with his outfits- they are several sizes too small, yet he stuffs his feet into them, looking up at me with floppy white hair and big blue eyes saying ‘they’re not too small mama’.  i smile.  i know his feet must hurt, but he’s determined to make a statement with his choices.  he wears sweat pants with button down shirts, jeans with pj tops and jersey shorts over sweats.  if i would let him, he’d have his nails painted and a mohawk.  if i’d let him, he’d wear rain boots that don’t match and pjs on his body.  i try to let him soar with his decisions, but sometimes i have to put my foot down.  he has quite the fashion sense- i’m just not sure we’ve caught up to him yet. 

samuel has started wearing his superman costume under his clothing.  he says he’s a super hero in disguise.  it’s amusing and cute.  i’m glad he’s still playing and pretending and being a super hero at almost 10 years old.  i hope it lasts for more years to come.
but i noticed a story woven into his play that kept gnawing at me.  i thought it was good enough to share.

when he’s wearing his costume, you can kind of tell.  the bumps and bulges show through his clothes and he looks puffier than usual.  but if you didn’t know, you might miss it.  you might pass it off for something else, wrinkles in his clothes, or nothing at all.  i started wondering if it is the same with me.  do people see me as a christian in disguise?  maybe they see bumps here and there- i go to church and bible study, but they don’t get the whole picture?  my ‘real life’ doesn’t show the christian i really am?  i don’t want to be covered up with just small details showing through that clue people in to the fact that i might be a Christ follower.  i want people to know straight out that i love Jesus.  to see the real me, the full costume if you will.  being clothed in Christ.
so he plays, and i’m convicted.  wondering if i am living a life that disguises my true identity or one that shouts it obviously for all to see.  this is one i’ll be chewing on for a while.

can i just admit something else?  this blog is called honesty becomes her- i wanted to be honest from the get go- so, here is a good place to admit things i guess!
i have been checking my email like crazy.  ever since i handed over my proposal to kathleen, the senior editor at harvest house, i’ve been getting into my email several times a day.  i know it’s silly to think i would have heard something by now, but i just can’t help myself.  i don’t stress over it, but i have thought through the possible outcomes.  she could flat out say no.  i’m nervous that this is going to happen because my proposal could have been stronger, and i have more clarity on where i want to take the book now.  but she could open the door a crack and start a conversation.  asking for more writing, or if i could take it in a different direction, or if i’m open to changes- i hope i hope i hope that she’ll start the conversation with me.  that it won’t be a straight out no- but i can’t help but be prepared for the worst.
so like a child waiting for her birthday morning, i feel excited and weary at the same time.  i’m ready to just know something.  anything.  to know she’s read it.  to stop going through the outcomes in my mind.  i promise to keep you posted.  even if it’s a no.

somehow, somewhere, sometime, discontentment has lodged itself in my heart.
that seems very un-spiritual and unholy and totally ungodly to say.  but it’s there.
i’ve experienced underlying frustration for several weeks now… being annoyed with everything.  frustrated when my kids ask for things, aggravated that i have to ‘do life’ this way, and just all around irritated.  it hit me a few days ago that i’m really mourning the loss of the life i thought i was going to have and am not content with what God has given instead. ouch.  ugly.  glaring.  embarrassing.

having a child with different needs paints the world with a special brush.  things work differently.  life can be more challenging.  i have to be creative with discipline and interaction and have to try and stay two steps ahead of his very adept brain.  i often feel like i am not enough to do this, that i can’t do it anymore, that i cannot sustain the emotional and psychological strain that his aspergers and adhd put on my me.  i know that apart from God’s grace that i truly can’t do it.  i have to have the mercy, strength, wisdom and grace that I know he offers me.  but i have gotten stuck in being discontent.  really it’s a sense of entitlement. that somehow i deserved easy street- that somehow i should have been given the child who obeys without struggle; without question.  that this  mothering thing should have been easier.  but it’s not.  i was matched with a child who challenges me, whose brain works overtime so mine has to as well.  a child who sees life through a different lens than i do- forcing me to step back and reassess my own observations.  motherhood’s a daily bravery (ann voskamp on her blog www.aholyexperience.com) and i believe that without the challenges our family has that it would still drive me to my knees, still cause me to fall into God’s grace, and still move me to His presence.  what i have to do now is reconcile these brain waves into heart beats and welcome the life we’ve been given that should be being used to bring about character, not my demise.  so today i admit my discontent.  i go to the throne and ask for forgiveness.  and i believe and know that He will wash me clean.  i look forward to the days to come- i want to be free of this frustration.  Create in me a clean heart oh God, and renew a right spirit within me.  i trust his word is true and his goodness is everlasting.  i anticipate the changes to come…. and i am excited to see them.

i’m home from the she speaks conference.  i am overwhelmed.  it was wonderful. filled with God’s presence, a fun friend, lots of information and even…. harvest house took my book proposal!  i am beyond thrilled.  while there is still a huge chance that harvest house will decide to pass on my proposal, the fact that i pitched it in such a way that piqued their interest enough to read my full proposal humbles and excites me.  i’m thrilled just to be ‘this far’.

i am on information overload.  there was so much good that came from this – so many good workshops, fabulous speakers and good conversations.  i am exhausted, but content.  i am glad that i went.
i traveled with a friend from church and we had a great time talking all the way down and back. she’s so full of good stories and it was fun to listen to her.  i am blessed.

writing is something i long to do, and after this weekend i am encouraged to keep writing. to keep working towards different types of publications, and…. to stop neglecting my blog.  my blog is a place i can write until my heart is full and it’s instant.  it’s published right away.  i need to come back more often, find those words that seem to elude me, and keep writing.

i’m neck deep in boxes and heart deep in my book proposal.
we move next week.  just to a new house- not far away, but i still have to get everything that’s in this house into the other house.  that is a big job. on tuesday we have the swat team coming to help us.  how many people can say the marine swat team are their personal movers?  we’re blessed, and i’m relieved.

my book proposal is coming along .  i’m not finished yet, but my message is weaving itself together well and i’m feeling good about it.  i hope that a publisher sees enough merit in the message to be willing to at least take a copy of my proposal with him/her for further consideration.  i’ve been frantically pulling at loose ends trying to tie them down and make sure that the message i’m sharing is one of hope and encouragement.  its been a messy road.  i’m writing about my life as a mother of a boisterous boy, and that can be painful at times.  i struggle to find the balance between honesty and candor and also protecting my family.  i don’t want to be remembered as the angry mom, or the bitter mom, but the mom of a boisterous boy who’s learned to adapt, accept and enjoy her boy for who he is.  this is a delicate balance to strike.  some days the words seem to have dried up, and other days they flow like water. i love those days.  where i am just the vessel, directing the words to perch where they may in my story and i can allow them to flow forth.  it’s a great feeling. other days i feel like i could get sick i try so hard to pull words out from thin air, and nothing comes.  i’m praying in these last few days for more water days and less desert.

we’re enjoying the summer.  it’s amazing to me that it’s already the middle of july. my children go back to school in just a little over a month.  hard to believe that time marches on so quickly.  i want to grab hold of it, pause the time at the pool, where their faces are sunkissed and happy- to absorb that deep in my soul.  remember.  enjoy. taste.

i need to get back to the grind.  words are hovering and i need to tack them down with clarity.  thanks for being here.

xo

i’m sad that it looks like rain.  asher has been at his grandparents overnight and his nona (trevor’s mom) is bringing him back and we had plans to go to the pool…  it’s not looking so promising.
trevor is gone. he’ll be gone all week at a class in NH.   we miss him and things are certainly harder with him gone.  the kids behave better with daddy than mommy- but we’re working on it.

our move date got moved so it’s still 2 weeks away. i’ve been living in this mess for weeks now and it’s really wearing on me.  i’m ready to get it all out and move to the next house and start organizing that house…. however, i have a book proposal to work on in the meantime.  i chose my 2 publishers and 1 agent that i’d like to meet with at She Speaks at the end of july. the time is coming swiftly and my move is right in the middle of the month i have left.  i’m trying to stay focused and work on it, but it’s so easy to get distracted with packing, cleaning, and editing photo sessions.  i have too much going on- plain and simple.
i’m excited about my appointments though.  i had to make three choices with the knowledge that i’ll get one for sure, maybe 2 and possibly three.  i’d love the chance to meet with all three people.  the more people i can pitch my book to, the better!