somehow, somewhere, sometime, discontentment has lodged itself in my heart.
that seems very un-spiritual and unholy and totally ungodly to say.  but it’s there.
i’ve experienced underlying frustration for several weeks now… being annoyed with everything.  frustrated when my kids ask for things, aggravated that i have to ‘do life’ this way, and just all around irritated.  it hit me a few days ago that i’m really mourning the loss of the life i thought i was going to have and am not content with what God has given instead. ouch.  ugly.  glaring.  embarrassing.

having a child with different needs paints the world with a special brush.  things work differently.  life can be more challenging.  i have to be creative with discipline and interaction and have to try and stay two steps ahead of his very adept brain.  i often feel like i am not enough to do this, that i can’t do it anymore, that i cannot sustain the emotional and psychological strain that his aspergers and adhd put on my me.  i know that apart from God’s grace that i truly can’t do it.  i have to have the mercy, strength, wisdom and grace that I know he offers me.  but i have gotten stuck in being discontent.  really it’s a sense of entitlement. that somehow i deserved easy street- that somehow i should have been given the child who obeys without struggle; without question.  that this  mothering thing should have been easier.  but it’s not.  i was matched with a child who challenges me, whose brain works overtime so mine has to as well.  a child who sees life through a different lens than i do- forcing me to step back and reassess my own observations.  motherhood’s a daily bravery (ann voskamp on her blog www.aholyexperience.com) and i believe that without the challenges our family has that it would still drive me to my knees, still cause me to fall into God’s grace, and still move me to His presence.  what i have to do now is reconcile these brain waves into heart beats and welcome the life we’ve been given that should be being used to bring about character, not my demise.  so today i admit my discontent.  i go to the throne and ask for forgiveness.  and i believe and know that He will wash me clean.  i look forward to the days to come- i want to be free of this frustration.  Create in me a clean heart oh God, and renew a right spirit within me.  i trust his word is true and his goodness is everlasting.  i anticipate the changes to come…. and i am excited to see them.