Honesty Becomes Her

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it wasn’t until reading something written by someone else about joy, and struggle, and life that i was shot through with the awareness of what God has been speaking to me all week.  speaking to me through an innocent four year old remembering her sunday school lesson.  reciting it to me.  looking at me with a head cocked sideways, wanting, and waiting for it to sink in.

the reality is, that life here is precarious.  it always is, and yet there are some situations in which we are made aware of the edginess of life.  where we are left balancing on the edge of perceived success or feared failure with our eyes wide open.  thrown into walking a thin rope of struggle that sags and sways in the daily fight for balance and stillness. 
our family is walking that rope.  we have been for a year.  longer, if you want to get technical, but for a year, it has been widely known between us that the walk we’re taking is one of careful effort, tiptoeing in the right places of the very thin rope, trying to feel our way, grab hold to the fabric of life, and keep everything up, standing tall, away from what looks like a catastrophic fall. 
but sometimes in the falling, we manage to right ourselves.  to really stand tall and bear the full weight of all we’ve been trying to shrug off.  the weight that brings back a grounding in the heart, an awareness of the power of God moving in the small things that make up the very big things. 

and my four year old preaches.  she tells me at night in bed that Jesus stood in the boat and told the storm to stop.  she stands up from lunch and announces at random “Peace, be still!” she looks at me on the couch and reminds me that God knows how to make it stop.  she’s just reciting the newest truth she has absorbed, and yet gives the most powerful sermon i could hear right now.  peace.  be still.  God can stop it all. 

i finally heard her this morning.  those with ears to hear…. let them really hear.  out of the mouth of babes- and i’m sitting in this truth. 

i’m still here- just healing after back surgery last monday.  i’ll write more soon i promise. i was on a roll!

be back soon!

 

school starts in just a week.  i will be sending two of my little guys off to school for the day, then a week later, the youngest man child will join them for preschool.  i like the rhythm.  i like the routine, the structure, the ‘known’.  i am pretty involved with the kids classes, and chaperone field trips and help out in the classroom.  i l have liked their teachers, and have been blessed with who we’ve been paired with so far.  of course every year, there is that bit of uncertainty.  wondering who will be the teacher this year. how she/he will compare to past teachers and how the kids will gel with them.  but so far, we’ve been blessed.  i have every reason to believe that this year will be good too.  i can scarcely believe that samuel is entering 4th grade.  i remember my fourth grade year, my teacher, how i limped through that year.  i can’t believe he’s old enough to have big memories of what he’s living out these days.  that is both a blessing and a curse.  he can remember the things i do that build him up but he can also remember my failures, and how i let him down sometimes.

it will be fun to have ivy at home alone for a few hours each day.  i look forward to it.  spending time with her, letting her grow her play outside of the boys suggestions, seeing how she develops and changes through the year.  she’ll start dance class this year too and i can’t wait for her to have something of her own to do. she’s been begging to do it, and i’m excited to let her get to try.

so our house is cluttered with pencils and notebooks, paper and erasers, and we’re gearing up for the first day back. i’m just as excited as they are.  praying for a solid year filled with good experiences.  one week left of freedom and then school here we come!

i tweet.  i’m a twitterer.  i.love.twitter. 🙂
i didn’t fully understand the power of twitter until my friend explained the web of connections to me a couple of weeks ago.
now i’m tweeting away, and enjoying seeing who is following along.
i think it’s awesome to connect to everyone from my friend down the street, to major publishing houses, to oprah.  all tweeting, all sending messages out into the world, it’s so fun!

the biggest issue i have is trying to think of witty things to say!  i feel so common, so ‘regular joe’, so normal.  i feel like my tweets are pretty bland, and i’m looking for ways to jazz them up.  for now though, i’ll just keep doing it. finding fun new people to follow and relishing in the neat people who are following me!  did i say i’m loving this?!

tucker is a funny kid.  he’s quirky and silly and i really enjoy him a lot.  he has issues with what he wears.  he dresses in strange get-ups everyday. i never know what he’ll choose to wear and what he’ll put together.  today he has changed at least three times.  right now he’s wearing a set of pj’s inside out so that they’re all white- with white socks- so that he can be a white ninja.  earlier he was wearing black clothes- including a shirt inside out to make it all black, and socks on his hands and feet – to be a black ninja.
he often wears his cowboy boots with his outfits- they are several sizes too small, yet he stuffs his feet into them, looking up at me with floppy white hair and big blue eyes saying ‘they’re not too small mama’.  i smile.  i know his feet must hurt, but he’s determined to make a statement with his choices.  he wears sweat pants with button down shirts, jeans with pj tops and jersey shorts over sweats.  if i would let him, he’d have his nails painted and a mohawk.  if i’d let him, he’d wear rain boots that don’t match and pjs on his body.  i try to let him soar with his decisions, but sometimes i have to put my foot down.  he has quite the fashion sense- i’m just not sure we’ve caught up to him yet.  🙂

samuel has started wearing his superman costume under his clothing.  he says he’s a super hero in disguise.  it’s amusing and cute.  i’m glad he’s still playing and pretending and being a super hero at almost 10 years old.  i hope it lasts for more years to come.
but i noticed a story woven into his play that kept gnawing at me.  i thought it was good enough to share.

when he’s wearing his costume, you can kind of tell.  the bumps and bulges show through his clothes and he looks puffier than usual.  but if you didn’t know, you might miss it.  you might pass it off for something else, wrinkles in his clothes, or nothing at all.  i started wondering if it is the same with me.  do people see me as a christian in disguise?  maybe they see bumps here and there- i go to church and bible study, but they don’t get the whole picture?  my ‘real life’ doesn’t show the christian i really am?  i don’t want to be covered up with just small details showing through that clue people in to the fact that i might be a Christ follower.  i want people to know straight out that i love Jesus.  to see the real me, the full costume if you will.  being clothed in Christ.
so he plays, and i’m convicted.  wondering if i am living a life that disguises my true identity or one that shouts it obviously for all to see.  this is one i’ll be chewing on for a while.

can i just admit something else?  this blog is called honesty becomes her- i wanted to be honest from the get go- so, here is a good place to admit things i guess!
i have been checking my email like crazy.  ever since i handed over my proposal to kathleen, the senior editor at harvest house, i’ve been getting into my email several times a day.  i know it’s silly to think i would have heard something by now, but i just can’t help myself.  i don’t stress over it, but i have thought through the possible outcomes.  she could flat out say no.  i’m nervous that this is going to happen because my proposal could have been stronger, and i have more clarity on where i want to take the book now.  but she could open the door a crack and start a conversation.  asking for more writing, or if i could take it in a different direction, or if i’m open to changes- i hope i hope i hope that she’ll start the conversation with me.  that it won’t be a straight out no- but i can’t help but be prepared for the worst.
so like a child waiting for her birthday morning, i feel excited and weary at the same time.  i’m ready to just know something.  anything.  to know she’s read it.  to stop going through the outcomes in my mind.  i promise to keep you posted.  even if it’s a no.


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