Honesty Becomes Her

somehow, somewhere, sometime, discontentment has lodged itself in my heart.
that seems very un-spiritual and unholy and totally ungodly to say.  but it’s there.
i’ve experienced underlying frustration for several weeks now… being annoyed with everything.  frustrated when my kids ask for things, aggravated that i have to ‘do life’ this way, and just all around irritated.  it hit me a few days ago that i’m really mourning the loss of the life i thought i was going to have and am not content with what God has given instead. ouch.  ugly.  glaring.  embarrassing.

having a child with different needs paints the world with a special brush.  things work differently.  life can be more challenging.  i have to be creative with discipline and interaction and have to try and stay two steps ahead of his very adept brain.  i often feel like i am not enough to do this, that i can’t do it anymore, that i cannot sustain the emotional and psychological strain that his aspergers and adhd put on my me.  i know that apart from God’s grace that i truly can’t do it.  i have to have the mercy, strength, wisdom and grace that I know he offers me.  but i have gotten stuck in being discontent.  really it’s a sense of entitlement. that somehow i deserved easy street- that somehow i should have been given the child who obeys without struggle; without question.  that this  mothering thing should have been easier.  but it’s not.  i was matched with a child who challenges me, whose brain works overtime so mine has to as well.  a child who sees life through a different lens than i do- forcing me to step back and reassess my own observations.  motherhood’s a daily bravery (ann voskamp on her blog http://www.aholyexperience.com) and i believe that without the challenges our family has that it would still drive me to my knees, still cause me to fall into God’s grace, and still move me to His presence.  what i have to do now is reconcile these brain waves into heart beats and welcome the life we’ve been given that should be being used to bring about character, not my demise.  so today i admit my discontent.  i go to the throne and ask for forgiveness.  and i believe and know that He will wash me clean.  i look forward to the days to come- i want to be free of this frustration.  Create in me a clean heart oh God, and renew a right spirit within me.  i trust his word is true and his goodness is everlasting.  i anticipate the changes to come…. and i am excited to see them.

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i’m home from the she speaks conference.  i am overwhelmed.  it was wonderful. filled with God’s presence, a fun friend, lots of information and even…. harvest house took my book proposal!  i am beyond thrilled.  while there is still a huge chance that harvest house will decide to pass on my proposal, the fact that i pitched it in such a way that piqued their interest enough to read my full proposal humbles and excites me.  i’m thrilled just to be ‘this far’.

i am on information overload.  there was so much good that came from this – so many good workshops, fabulous speakers and good conversations.  i am exhausted, but content.  i am glad that i went.
i traveled with a friend from church and we had a great time talking all the way down and back. she’s so full of good stories and it was fun to listen to her.  i am blessed.

writing is something i long to do, and after this weekend i am encouraged to keep writing. to keep working towards different types of publications, and…. to stop neglecting my blog.  🙂 my blog is a place i can write until my heart is full and it’s instant.  it’s published right away.  i need to come back more often, find those words that seem to elude me, and keep writing.

 

i’m neck deep in boxes and heart deep in my book proposal.
we move next week.  just to a new house- not far away, but i still have to get everything that’s in this house into the other house.  that is a big job. 🙂 on tuesday we have the swat team coming to help us.  how many people can say the marine swat team are their personal movers?  we’re blessed, and i’m relieved.

my book proposal is coming along .  i’m not finished yet, but my message is weaving itself together well and i’m feeling good about it.  i hope that a publisher sees enough merit in the message to be willing to at least take a copy of my proposal with him/her for further consideration.  i’ve been frantically pulling at loose ends trying to tie them down and make sure that the message i’m sharing is one of hope and encouragement.  its been a messy road.  i’m writing about my life as a mother of a boisterous boy, and that can be painful at times.  i struggle to find the balance between honesty and candor and also protecting my family.  i don’t want to be remembered as the angry mom, or the bitter mom, but the mom of a boisterous boy who’s learned to adapt, accept and enjoy her boy for who he is.  this is a delicate balance to strike.  some days the words seem to have dried up, and other days they flow like water. i love those days.  where i am just the vessel, directing the words to perch where they may in my story and i can allow them to flow forth.  it’s a great feeling. other days i feel like i could get sick i try so hard to pull words out from thin air, and nothing comes.  i’m praying in these last few days for more water days and less desert.

we’re enjoying the summer.  it’s amazing to me that it’s already the middle of july. my children go back to school in just a little over a month.  hard to believe that time marches on so quickly.  i want to grab hold of it, pause the time at the pool, where their faces are sunkissed and happy- to absorb that deep in my soul.  remember.  enjoy. taste.

i need to get back to the grind.  words are hovering and i need to tack them down with clarity.  thanks for being here.

xo

i’m sad that it looks like rain.  asher has been at his grandparents overnight and his nona (trevor’s mom) is bringing him back and we had plans to go to the pool…  it’s not looking so promising.
trevor is gone. he’ll be gone all week at a class in NH.   we miss him and things are certainly harder with him gone.  the kids behave better with daddy than mommy- but we’re working on it.

our move date got moved so it’s still 2 weeks away. i’ve been living in this mess for weeks now and it’s really wearing on me.  i’m ready to get it all out and move to the next house and start organizing that house…. however, i have a book proposal to work on in the meantime.  i chose my 2 publishers and 1 agent that i’d like to meet with at She Speaks at the end of july. the time is coming swiftly and my move is right in the middle of the month i have left.  i’m trying to stay focused and work on it, but it’s so easy to get distracted with packing, cleaning, and editing photo sessions.  i have too much going on- plain and simple.
i’m excited about my appointments though.  i had to make three choices with the knowledge that i’ll get one for sure, maybe 2 and possibly three.  i’d love the chance to meet with all three people.  the more people i can pitch my book to, the better!

its my birthday!  i’m enjoying it but missing trevor.  he’s on the range today all day in the heat shooting guns.  you know- marine stuff.  🙂
my mom and dad came yesterday and my mom cooked me a fabulous meal.  she made me an awesome birthday cake and they gave me a gorgeous pottery bowl. i love pottery- handmade, one of a kind pieces.  love them.  they stayed the night and we spent the afternoon and then this morning at the pool.  we were able to go to the new house and walk through it and show it to them, and i think they agree that it feels homier and laid out better.
tonight i’m headed with the kids to my in laws house for dinner.  my MIL graciously offered to make dinner for me and i had to take her up on it.  two nights in a row of not cooking!  what better birthday present could you ask for?!  🙂  i’m thrilled.

tomorrow is church and i have a photoshoot in a neighboring town that i have to go to.  a little one year old who came to me for her 6month photos.  i’m excited to see how much she’s grown and to see her family again. it should be fun.

we’re moving in two weeks.  i can hardly believe it.  boxes are filling up around our ears.  it’s a mess in here!  i’m super excited.  we got to walk through the new house and there are so many things i like about it better than the one we are in now.

samuel is going to summer enrichment in the mornings- it’s a lot like summer school but a lot of fun while they learn. they get to do experiments, activities and explore.  he loves it and it gives him something to do for a few hours each morning so that he’s not bored for the rest of the day. i’m glad we have that option. it works well for our family.

ivy has been at my parents for the past three days. they’re bringing her back today and my mom is making a birthday dinner for me complete with cake.  i’m really excited.  i’ve missed ivy, i love seeing my parents and i’m thrilled to get to have a birthday dinner again like i did when i was a kid.  i’m looking forward to it.

i should run. i just wanted to keep writing.  i’m neck deep in boxes and stuff and wading through it all.  we’re making progress, but it’s a lot of work.  i get overwhelmed when i look around and realize everything that is in this house has to somehow get to the other house!  yikes!  so on i work.  more later!  i’m getting better at this again.  thanks for hanging with me!

we went to the river yesterday for the afternoon. we had such a great time.  i went with my friend and her two kids and we hiked down to the river-ish/creek area and spent several hours there playing in the water and on the rocks.  i loved it.  i loved watching my kids explore, i loved watching all the creatures like fish and bugs and crawfish, i loved seeing how each kid responded to the environment. it really was a fun day.

we’re moving.  to a new house.  nothing too big, but i still have to go through everything, pack it all up and move it to a new house- so the work feels a little overwhelming at times.  !!  we’re moving on base from a 2 story house to a 1 story house.  i just feel like with samuel sometimes being unpredictable that having us all on ground level is best.  so we got approved and are waiting on a house.  apparently there are two available right now that we could take asap- and there’s one that i want that i know is empty that i have to ask about…. so i’m not sure of the timeline and that’s a little stressful too.  i don’t know if i should be packing in earnest or just packing up the non-essentials.  i don’t know the dates yet and that feels strange.  i have been getting boxes from the liquor store so our truck will be filled with wine and liquor boxes- pretty funny.  i’m excited to move.  the house is laid out better, it’s a little bigger and i think it will fit our family better.  i’m looking forward to the changes.  not so much the work.  the funny thing too is that because this base is so big, we have two different elementary schools, and so we might be changing school districts when we move- which feels strange being in the same neighborhood.  lots of changes ahead.  i hope we all adjust well.

i have no other new news.  i just want to get back into the habit of writing more… so here i am.  hope you’re back with me!

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